It's been a while...

I think it was about a week ago, I woke up kind of suddenly from my before-work nap, and found myself thinking about Shane. Specifically about the first two ultrasounds I had, and how they missed what was wrong, BOTH times. I still can't believe that no one told me anything was wrong. It's so frustrating, STILL!That's how it is - all of a sudden it'll just hit me, out of nowhere. That anger and frustration comes back, that feeling that I'm spinning out of control, and I'm just lost and all alone in the middle of a giant fog, and I can't find anyone or anything to help me out of it... I realized soon after, it's right about the time of year I would have found out I was pregnant with him, since his due date was December 19th. I get so lost in it sometimes, I wonder does any of this mean anything at all? Was it supposed to teach me something? Make me want to do something else with my life? Am I where I'm supposed to be, doing what I'm supposed to do? Am I remembering and honoring him the right way? Is he happy when he sees us? Is he with us all the time? I wish I knew what it was like to be a mom of 3 boys, not only 2. There's so many questions, so many things I could dwell on. I'm thankful I only have those moments so rarely. I'd be a different person completely if I didn't have the ability to just let it go, just breathe, just live....